monsters under my bed

At the beginning of the year I felt a restless stirring, like something was going to happen but I didn't know what. My life was at somewhat of a standstill. I didn't know where it was going or what direction it should take. My life's season was changing and I felt scared and unsure of myself and of the plan that God had for me. I sort of felt like I was fumbling around in the dark really, like God hadn't really shown me the plan at all, let alone consulted me. So life was stuck in the in-between. Waiting, aimless, drifting, restless and filled with uncertainty. Yet my heart heard a quite whisper, a silent knowing that something was just around the corner. I was standing on the precipice of Unknown Possibilities. Anything could happen.

I sought God and questioned him. What was ahead? What was this year going to look like?
This is what came out of it:

Remember when you were little and it was night-time and the dark was scary? And you lay in your bed hiding under the covers when you really wanted to run to the safety of your parents but you couldn't because their were monsters under your bed? 

And now you’re grown up and you know that there aren’t really monsters. Your fears were unfounded, imaginary, childish. But why then, do you still know that feeling those monsters evoked when you thought they were hiding under your bed? Because they grew up too. They may look different but they’re still there. Now they have names like “Worried for a Job”, “Need Money to Pay the Bills”, “Can’t Do That”, “Not Good Enough” and “What Will People Think”. Despite the fact that we shouldn't, we live with these monsters. They scare us. So we imagine them away, we run away, we avoid them. We hide. 

I’ve been thinking a lot about fear lately. I know fear well. Fear had me tightly in it’s grip once. But I got to thinking how God had set me free from that fear and yet in spite of it, there are still other fears that I hold on to. When I started thinking about all the uncertainties ahead of me this year, I got scared. I’m scared of the unknown. Of the road ahead. I know it’s an unfounded fear, but it’s there nonetheless. 

I read about Ann naming her years. It resonated. I always feel like I have a theme for the year. I’ve just never named it. So this year, I am. I’m not doing it just because it sounds like a good idea but because my year already has a name. And it’s just a word. But it’s a word that shapes the year and the work God has already started doing in my heart. Perhaps not so coincidentally I also came aross OneWord.  

My year has a name. It’s one word.

"Fearless”

I sat down and wrote a short list of goals for myself for the coming year. I finished by saying, “Take risks, do things that scares you, live fearless”. Little did I know that God had it in mind to grow that little seed into my theme. But there it is: timely and in season. It’s the right word. Fear has stopped me doing so many things. This year, I will be Fearless. I will hide in Jesus, not from monsters.

God is a safe place to hide, ready to help when we need him.

We stand fearless at the cliff-edge...

Psalm 46:1

(Message)

fearless

Isn't being fearless an unfair and unrealistic expectation? Maybe you've been wondering the same thing. Before continuing any further on this subject, there are a few things I should say about what I mean when talking about it:

First, I am not fearless. I want to be but it is a journey which I have only really just embarked on and I am only beginning to realise what it means to live a fearless life. Don't consider me an expert. 

I believe that fear is actually a good and healthy thing. It is a normal emotion. It is evidence of our humanness and a reminder of our desperate need for God. If you or I never felt fear, there would be no reason for us to rely on God for our needs and deepen our relationship with Him. It is when fear holds us to ransom from living fulfilled and abundant lives that we need to reconsider its place in our lives.  

I don't mean that by being fearless, fear is absent. In fact, in order to be fearless, fear has to be present in order for it to be overcome.

Do the thing you fear most and the death of fear is certain - Mark Twain

weekend rambles

I'm tired. It's time to stop. Time to rest and rejuvenate and recharge my batteries.

Lately my life has been really full. Full of busy, full of never-ending work loads and ever-growing to-do lists. It's just been really full of stuff that makes my days feel longer than they should but with never enough hours to do the things that need doing. It feels like pushing on and barely making it. As if my eyes are being help open by match sticks at the end of the day. Fatigue is setting in. I'm anticipating next weekend when I'm away for three days. I know that's not long but I'll be leaving my life and its normal routines and responsibilities for the comfort and familiarity of home.

I've wanted to write more and be here more than I have but reality has a way, in spite of my best intentions, of changing my carefully laid out plans. So, there are lots of things I want to write, ideas that are currently floating in my head that have yet to make their way onto the page. Feelings of failure creep up on me but I remind myself that I have no rules here. So take me or leave me. There are no guarantees. Don't always trust what I say. For now, I'll be slowing down and resting for a little bit.

On a side note:

It's spring. Finally...winter is definitely over.

I went to pick up a package from Amazon today. I got this, this, and this. Can't wait to start reading.

I've been doing art this week. I'm so proud. Don't know why I feel the need to include this but hey!...

Remember I spoke about brokenness recently? I read this today:


There may be legitimate cause to bend, to break down, to remain hard, hurt, a victim. There may be a thousand reasons to stay in your grief, unwilling or unable to let go. We can stop there, if we want to. We can live in our world-mold and be right and lonely. And yet. Whole only comes after broken. Healing only comes after wounds. Are we willing to go a bit further and see?

“By his wounds we are healed. But they are our wounds, too; and until we have been healed we do not know what wholeness is. The discipline of creation, be it to paint, compose, write, is an effort toward wholeness …

Madeleine L’Engle, Walking on Water

You can read the full post here.

fear

He's that familiar specter lurking in the dark shadows of my mind. With whispers so soft. So enticing. It's easy to fall. Even before danger is realized and reason fights back, his grip holds fast and firm. Not easily shaken. Fear has won many a hard fought battle. I hate the power he holds over me and I fight to loosen his relentless grip.

Fear creeps up slowly and before you know it, he becomes your closest friend. Who tells you lies that you start to believe. And in spite of what you know in your head, (that this is irrational) Fear tightens his ever increasing grip around your heart and tells you terrible things. Depressing and dejecting things. Things that break you and bind you. Things that wound.

But what if we could say goodbye to Fear? Live without his limitations and accusations? What if we sought freedom?

What would it be like to be Fearless?

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So begins my series entitle 'Fearless'.  I'll leave you to consider the above question. Tell me in the comments what you'd do if you had no fear? If I had no fear, I'd try telling people the really important things that make our lives meaningful instead of skimming the surface of relationships with small talk.

October

So it's October. And I'm so excited. Because it's spring and oh my word, it's only a few months left till Christmas. And I go home at the end of the month. Yeah, mostly because I'm going to be at home for a long weekend!

October also brings the return of the 31 day series by Emily of Chatting at the Sky. I've been looking forward to this for a while. This year her series is entitled 31 Days to Change the World. Wow, I'm so there! And the series has been opened up this year to anyone who wanted to write a series for 31 days.

Here are a few of my favourites that I will be keeping my eye on:
31 Days of Worship
31 Days of Change
31 Days of Telling your Story
31 Days of Rest
31 Days of Hope

I was very tempted to entitle my own series 31 Days of Fearless or something of the kind, but reality come to bite me in the backside. Work has been so busy lately it is insane and I didn't want to set myself up for failure. But...

October will be for being Fearless. I will be sitting down and writing my heart on living fearless. Hope you'll join me.