i grow here

I saw a photograph of one lone flower - a weed, to be honest - 

growing all alone in a cracked and mossy street, nestled up against the curb.

There were no cars, no foot traffic, and no fellow flowers.

I saw myself in that flower and though: I grow here.

I grow here, sometimes utterly alone, but here I grow.

I feel like I've been plucked up by the roots from my very cozy pot and replanted in a vast and rocky terrain. Away from all the comforts and familiarity of home I've been doing pretty well - all things considered.  I've had to rely on God in ways that have stretched and grown me in my relationship with Him. And He has shown me his unfailing love and faithfulness in ways I've never experienced before.  But in spite of all the good, all the promise and hope in this new season, I feel alone. I am far away from my family. That was hard at first, but manageable. I was coping well with the change. Or so I thought. A few weeks ago I fell headlong into a terrible pit of despair and homesickness. I'd had enough of doing things on my own, living on my own, being cold on my own, cooking on my own, just being on my own. Usually that is not a problem for me. I like my own company - probably more than the average person. But it just sunk in one day - "This is permanent". Ever since then, I feel like my heart has been dying a slow and painful death. As much as I want to tell God to take my burden away, this is a season to surrender and relying on Him completely. I have never realised just how much I have needed to learn from being on my own until now that it is my reality.

So here I am. Growing. Alone but nonetheless, growing. Isn't that the most amazing thing about seasons? Even in the rough ones we are capable of growth. Maybe even more so than in the seasons of ease and comfort. And as long as I am rooted in His love there is nothing else for me to do but to grow evermore closer to Jesus. Because truthfully, if I didn't, I'd shrivel up and die. And amidst the heartache and the loneliness (yes, that is an ugly word but it's the truth) I live in hope. Although hope battles with despair most of the time and life with death but I know, even though I don't feel - God will not abandon me to the grave.

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This post is my version of an original work entitled 'I grow here' written by Marian Green.
It can be found at Ungrind.