sometimes real life is ugly

It's quiet, the house has gone to sleep. And so I sit in the stillness of night and think. I'm tired of the unrelenting emotions that pull me back and forth between hope and hopelessness. Between life and despair. I'm overcome with the toll of the inner war raging in my heart. It's misery and torment. God, when will it end? Where will the energy come from to pick myself up and keep moving on? It's too hard. When will the days go back to being whole and joy-filled and beautiful? I'm spent from crying ugly tears that come out of nowhere and without any warning. I laugh and talk and smile happy smiles but underneath I'm dying of a broken heart. It's not ok. I'm not ok.

And somehow I'm ok with saying that. It's freeing.